


Honestly Trying, but the Honesty Hurts

by Actual_Sleeping_Beauty



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Death from Deathly Hallows, F/M, Ginny's scary by accident, Graphic Violence from Chamber of Secrets, Hermione is still way better at emotions than the boys as long as they're not her emotions, Molly tries but Ginny is way too worked up, PTSD, Resolution, Ron and Hermione have a healthy relationship, So do Arthur and Molly, Spoilers, tags will update as I go, talk about your problems and they get better, they're fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-04-04 12:44:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14020521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Sleeping_Beauty/pseuds/Actual_Sleeping_Beauty
Summary: Harry has dreams from his PTSD, and he won't tell Ginny what's going on even though she wants to help. This causes an argument that rapidly spins out of both proportion and control. The graphic violence tag is for my imagined perspective about the scene from Chamber of Secrets where Ginny is dying. It's really not that bad just kind of intense. The character death tag is for Harry's death in Deathly Hallows I promise I'm not killing anyone.





	1. Can You Read the Word of My Body?

“Leave me alone!” He stormed out of the room, slamming the door and knocking a photo off the wall. _Shit. _He’d have to fix that later.__

__“What do you think gives you the right to walk out of here?” The door smacked against the wall, knocking a mirror off this time. _Seven years bad luck. Shit. _Still, she’d fix it later, right now she had bigger issues.___ _

___“Free will! A mind of my own! My right to peace and quiet!”_ _ _

___There wasn’t very much space in their little flat, and he was running out of room to retreat. The kitchen had the most direct escape route, and that’s where he chose to make his stand. If she left him alone he’d be able to make himself a cup of tea to settle his nerves._ _ _

___“Like hell! You wake up screaming and I’m supposed to let you storm out here while I go back to sleep? Did you _honestly _think for one second that that would happen?” Her red hair flipped around the corner, and he had the vague impression that her arms were crossed, but without his glasses he couldn’t see much. He wished he had grabbed them before he left the room; his argument was never strengthened by his tendency to look slightly to the left of people when his vision was impaired.___ _ _

___“I had hoped. I thought that maybe I’d be allowed one _moment _by myself to process, to recover, to do whatever I needed to do, but _no _, you have to _fix _me!”_______ _ _

___“Well I certainly can’t leave you alone for long; you can’t even remember your glasses these days, you’re so scattered, I mean, really, Harry!” He saw her vague shape approaching and backed into the countertop. Still, she kept getting closer, and he was on the verge of leaping out of the way when he saw the fuzzy black frames in her hand. She shoved them in his hand and stood there, just short of uncomfortably close, until he could see properly, when she moved a bit farther from him._ _ _

___“Cut me a break, Gin, you just don’t get it. You’ve got the job of your dreams and I’ve got whatever the hell I’m doing and I just don’t know, you don’t get how hard that is!”_ _ _

___“That’s a terrible excuse! You think I don’t know what it’s like to be uncertain if what I’m choosing is the right path? I’m a reserve on a professional Quidditch team, that’s a much more uncertain position than you’re in. You’re a shoo-in for an Auror position, and everyone knows it. But that’s not why I’m not letting you alone. We both know the nightmares are getting worse but you still haven’t told me a damn thing about them, and that stops now. Do you hear me? Now.” Her brown eyes were burning in her pale face, a lighter shade than he had ever seen them, as though they were trying to achieve an orange the same as her hair._ _ _

___“I can’t. I just can’t. They’re not getting worse, just more frequent, but I can handle them. I’ve always been able to handle them.” Still, he didn’t see what she saw. She saw a scared boy of twenty years, his pale face offset by the deep bruises under his eyes, hair even more rumpled than usual from the tossing and turning, glasses lopsided on his nose. Green eyes begging for some peace. From her, from life, from the dreams haunting both his sleeping and waking hours. There was no way he could handle these._ _ _

___“You absolutely _cannot _handle them, and you’re kidding yourself if you truly think you can. I can see it in your eyes.” Those same eyes were now pleading her to stop, to halt the interrogation (because that was how it felt), to just _let him be. _“Harry, we are in this together. We lived through this together. We both saw terrible, awful things, and we’re still just trying to put our lives back together, so if you could just tell me what’s going on…”_____ _ _

___“You have no IDEA what I lived through! I lived through death, Ginny! I died! How the HELL do you want to fix that?”_ _ _

___“Maybe you’re too caught up in yourself at the moment, but when I was eleven I was nearly killed! Or had you forgotten that you saved my life? Was that moment not very important to you? Merlin, Harry, you’d think that you’d actually consider who I am before you complet-”_ _ _

___“You _nearly _died! I really did! There’s a difference!” She was too close again, not registering that, in her anger, she was pushing him farther away.___ _ _

___“What, do you imagine,” she hissed, her voice low and dangerous, so that he had to strain to hear it after her shouting, “that my soul and energy being drained into another person felt like? Did you think it was pleasant? Like stress being drained away by a long bath? Or slipping into a deep sleep? Because, Harry dear, I can _assure _you it did not. It felt like my fingernails were being removed, one by one, with a pair of pliers. And then my teeth. And then like every bone in my body was being snapped. And then like I was slowly being drenched in gasoline, and the fumes were making my head spin, and then - then I was set on fire, and left to burn to bits, until my very mind was charred into ash. I bet you thought I was lying there asleep, or comatose, or something similar, but I was lying there in sheer pain. Do you think that I didn’t dream about that for years? I _still _do, even now, even after all this time. Don’t tell me I don’t know death, Harry Potter, because I do.”_____ _ _

___He was afraid of her now, of this woman with eyes and hair of fire, with words to match. She had lived through that silently, and he had never known. How could he even compare his death with hers? His had been easy, virtually painless until after, and he dared to scream, to complain? And she stood there, waiting, arms at her sides, anger stitched into every inch of her frame, her posture aggressive and intimidating. And he was truly afraid of this woman that he thought he knew, afraid of what she was capable of._ _ _

___“I’m sorry,” he murmured, and looked at her for one second longer, before he spun on the spot, becoming immaterial as she watched. She lunged, trying to grab the hem of his shirt, his hand, anything, but he was gone. _Shit.__ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay well thanks for sticking through till the end of this! I hope you like where this goes and I promise that neither of these two is going to get hurt.
> 
> Chapter titles may or may not continue to come from Broadway musicals depending on my mood. This is a lyric from "The Word of Your Body" and "The Word of Your Body (Reprise)" and has a completely different meaning in the context of the song.


	2. The Guilty Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're both trying to deal. They have opposite strategies and neither of them is calming down.

He spun into existence in his best friends’ sitting room with a small pop. He stood in the dark room, hoping that they were still asleep, because he just wanted to be alone. He waited, listening, and heard snoring from the back of the flat. _Good. I need a few hours before I have to explain to anyone._ Then he heard a small creak, and a second later a lamp was flicked on. Hermione’s bushy hair, silhouetted by the light, made a halo around her face.

“Harry? Are you alright?” She looked concerned, more concerned than he’d expected her to look when he appeared unexpectedly in her home late at night. It was only then that he realized he was crying.

 

* * *

 

She slammed the dishes into the hot water, hoping the familiar task would calm her down. The suds splashed onto her shirt, soaking her, and making her first hot, then cold. She cursed, going to change her clothes before finishing with the dishes.

The dishes thought was certainly inspired, even if her flare-up with Harry wasn’t. She _knew_ screaming and people standing too close to him had made him uncomfortable since his rocket to stardom after the Battle. And now she was stuck at home, with nothing to do but wait for him to turn up.

She had no paperwork to do like Hermione, who stayed up half the night during the work week, and no book, however interesting, could hold her attention for long. She finally decided that she couldn’t just sit alone in their empty flat. She needed to be somewhere comforting, somewhere that didn’t ache with his absence, that didn’t reek with her insensitivity. She needed to be home. She rose, and walked to the fireplace; throwing a handful of Floo Powder inside, she called out, _“The Burrow!”_ and stepped into the green flames.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so with the whole snow situation I'm out of school for the day, and thought I'd look at this a little bit. I'm pretty happy with it so I thought I'd go ahead and post it since the later stuff is going to need more work. With this update I might post again over the weekend but maybe not, I'm not entirely sure. Sorry that this chapter is so short. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Harry really shouldn't be that surprised, but he's just being a little oblivious to how late it is and how upset he actually looks. He's just generally a slightly unreliable narrator.
> 
> Ginny should really chill out for a little while because she's pretending that the dishes calmed her down and she's still pretty upset.
> 
> Chapter title comes, again, from Spring Awakening! It's a song title, and the song is completely unrelated to the chapter, but the title matches how this feels.


	3. You Just Let Him Cry/Were You Really So Blind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both continue to try to deal, but as Harry is calming down, Ginny continues to rage and doesn't help herself in any way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little bit late! I got caught up in the messes of life and have just now had a quiet moment to finish editing this.

“Ron!” Hermione shouted before Harry could stop her. “Ron, Harry’s here, and he doesn’t look very well. Could you come out here please?”

Harry stood very still, allowing tears to trail downs his cheeks and drip onto the carpet. Before long, his tall, freckled friend stumbled into the room, and paused to take in the scene: Harry, standing in the center of the room, crying silently; Hermione, still by the entrance, looking uncertain; only one light on and the fireplace dark, everything quiet and still, brokenness hanging in the air.

“All right mate, let’s sit you down.” He crossed the room and guided Harry to the couch, then placed a blanket over his shoulders. “‘Mione, can you make him a cup of tea? And maybe Patronus Mum, tell her she ought to expect Ginny soon, since she’ll be looking for him, but maybe not to tell her he’s here, or she’ll come faster than we’re ready for.”

“Of course. Do you promise not to make things worse here? You certainly have some natural talent for that.”

Ron looked at Hermione for a moment, having a silent conversation with her, the kind that Harry had never been able to read, even when they were kids. They were both wearing the old expressions of worry, almost always directed at him. Ron held her gaze for a moment more, the crease between his eyebrows deep, the slight squint of his eyes so familiar, before Hermione turned to look at Harry again, her lips pursed, arms crossed. Finally, she said, “All right, I suppose you’ll be okay for a while,” and shuffled into the kitchen to make tea.

“Harry, do you want to talk?” More tears slipped from beneath his glasses, but he said nothing. “Would you like to just rest for a while?” Harry nodded slightly before closing his eyes and curling up under the blanket.

Ron sat back and watched his friend, the worried crease back between his eyebrows.

* * *

 

The roar of the Floo had Molly and Arthur awake in seconds, and rushing down the stairs just moments later. They arrived in the kitchen to see their daughter running water in the sink to wash dishes.

“Ginny!” exclaimed Molly. “What on earth are you doing here? You scared us half to death!”

“I’m just waiting on the inevitable message. Everyone knows I’d come here, and I’m honestly rather surprised he didn’t, so now I just have to wait to see who has him.”

“Has who? Ginny, it’s the middle of the night, who are you looking for?” Arthur’s face was pale and worried as Ginny turned to face her father.

“Who would I be looking for at this hour besides Harry? I’m worried about him, he’s been having more nightmares recently, but he won’t tell me about them, and tonight I told him he had to so I could help him, but we had a row, and I scared him, and he Disapparated, and I don’t know where he is, so I’m waiting for someone to Patronus or owl you saying they’ve got him but I really shouldn’t come until they figure out what’s wrong. But I can fix this.” Her parents were looking at her skeptically. “I _can._ ”

They stood silently in the kitchen, Ginny adamant, her parents unconvinced, until a silvery otter whisked through the air and floated in front of them. Hermione began to speak:

_Molly, I trust that Ginny is going to be coming to you soon. It seems she and Harry’ve had a row, given that he Apparated to our flat at two am. I know her, and we’re prepared for her to hear this and be here in a moment, but if you could delay her any at all it would be much appreciated. Ron says hello._

Ginny looked at her mother for a moment before leaping to her feet and running to the fireplace. Molly, however, had the advantage of already being standing, and caught Ginny’s arm, dragging her to a halt.

“Didn’t you hear Hermione? They want you to _wait_ for a while. Why can’t you do that for them? For him?” Ginny turned, looking into her mother’s eyes, the same brown as hers. They stared at each other for a few moments before Ginny nodded, and Molly released the hold on her arm. Ginny walked a few steps toward her seat before flashing her mother a look, and spinning into nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking through another chapter. This one is a little bit longer. I have an image in my head of these characters that doesn't quite match the movies, so I wanted to demonstrate that, and as a result it's a bit more flowery.
> 
> Hermione and Ron have a good relationship, they're both just worried. This is not up for debate. Sue me.
> 
> The only reason Harry didn't go to the Burrow is because he knew Ginny would be there. 
> 
> Chapter title is taken from two vaguely connected lyrics from the song "Left Behind" from Spring Awakening. The sentiment is similar, but there will be no death here, as there is in Spring Awakening.
> 
> Thanks!


	4. The Mirror-Blue Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She catches up to him and it isn't pretty. I know that this is truly _shocking _if you've been reading this whole time, but Ginny very much lacks chill here.__

There was a small pop in the kitchen, and Ron sighed. He knew they’d most likely been too late, and now regretted the Patronus he’d had Hermione send. She glanced at him, then down at Harry, silently saying,  _ You go deal with her, I’ll keep him company. _ Ron grimaced, but rose to meet his sister’s footsteps. 

He intercepted her in the kitchen and sighed again. “Gin, you really should give us a couple of hours, he’s only just starting to calm down. We don’t even know why he’s here, and judging from your face you won’t tell us.”

“You can’t just keep me from seeing him, we’re engaged, we need to work things out like adults!”

“Ginny, why did your fiancé turn up in my sitting room at two am? I’m not letting you through until you tell me.”

“We had an argument. I assume you know that his nightmares are getting worse?” Ron nodded, lips pursed, and she continued. “Well, I told him that he needed to share with me what was going on, but he didn’t want to, and he finally admitted that he’s just having the same dream over and over again. He’s just dreaming that he’s dying over and over again, and then he told me that I didn’t know what it was like to die, and I lost it a bit. I just told him what dying had been like for me, and I think I scared him.”

“How’d you scare him? With what you said, or how you said it?” She was looking at her shoes, and he thought he already knew the answer.

“Mostly how, I think. I started yelling and getting closer to him, but I wasn’t exactly very gentle with what I said either. I mean, that probably wasn’t it, he’s seen bad things, but I didn’t hold my tongue.”

“Can’t you ever keep your head on when you’re upset?” Ginny glared at her brother, and stormed past him, ducking under his outstretched arm as he tried to catch her. Ron stood for a moment, sighed, and then followed his sister into the other room.

Hermione shot him a look when he entered, as if to say,  _ Good job, idiot, you detained her for  _ so long _ and we  _ certainly  _ didn’t hear every word she said. _

Harry was still curled up on the sofa, now holding his cup of tea like a lifeline. He looked up at Ginny, his eyes dry but bloodshot. She stood in the center of the room, where he had been standing not too long ago. Finally, he spoke, his voice cracking and scratchy.

“Why won’t you just leave me alone?” She visibly deflated, but persevered nonetheless.

“Because it’s not good for you. You need to talk to someone, and I’d prefer it to be me.”

“I can’t. Okay? Right now I can talk to anyone but you.” A look of understanding dawned in Ron’s eyes. He turned to look at Harry, eyes wide, and when Harry nodded, he turned back to his sister.

“Let’s get you out of here Ginny, he really just needs a couple o-”

“Anyone but me! What do you mean by that!” 

“Gin, please don’t push it, just let him be, you really don’t want to know right now, you both need to calm down come on let’s just go okay Ginny I need you to move can you d-” and on and on. She looked over her brother’s shoulder and spoke just loud enough for Harry to hear her.

“Why anyone but me?” He looked away. She spoke louder. “Why anyone but me?” Ron was still pushing at her, trying to convince her to leave. “Why anyone but me?” She was yelling now.

He didn’t answer.

She turned, without another word, and walked away from them. Ron stumbled and tried to catch her, but in his shock wasn’t fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this. I took a break from my work today so I could get this up, so that was good.
> 
> Chapter title is a song from Spring Awakening. It's pretty safe to assume that the content of each is never related to other. However, it is a beautiful song.


	5. NOT A CHAPTER I'M SORRY

I'm  _so_ sorry but my school schedule has gotten really crazy and I just haven't had time review the next chapter. I'm hoping to get it up next week, but I make no promises. Thanks for sticking with this if you are, it means the world.


	6. Whispering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione is more astute at Harry's emotions than he ever was, and Ron is still trying to fix things when he just needs to calm down. Also Ginny decided that she still wanted to be near Harry and that's why she's hiding in Ron and Hermione's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so this has been a long time. I am so deeply sorry but AP exams everywhere are over after this week so I'll be able to post the final chapter very soon. Hope you enjoy this, and I'm sorry it's so short, it's moving the plot along.

She ended up hiding in a linen closet near the back of Ron and Hermione’s house. She knew neither of them would be able to find her there: she’d left once just so he couldn’t catch her and bring her back, and then she’d Apparated into one of the back rooms.

* * *

“No, but I was able to -”

“She’s just going to have to be okay, I mean, if you two can’t survive this, then what’s the point even?”

“Ron, that was unnecessary.” Hermione had been watching silently for several minutes, but had apparently found that she could no longer stay silent. As an afterthought, she added, “And rude.”

“But he doesn’t need to -”

“You’re acting as if what he needs is for you to make his decisions for him, why would he need that?”

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“You were going to say something idiotic.”

“No, I wasn’t, and ho-”

Hermione smiled slightly as Harry snuck around the corner, and continued bickering to distract Ron.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry again about the update schedule and I'm sorry that this is so short it has to be for the final chapter to flow the way I want it so...
> 
> Title is a song from Spring Awakening. Literally nothing to do with each other, I just picked it because everyone is being quiet and sneaking around in this chapter.


	7. SORRY NOT A CHAPTER ONCE AGAIN

So I have somehow been locked out of my Google account that had my draft on it so I'm working to recover that and I will try to finish this ASAP. Sorry!


	8. Those You've Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry decides it's time to end this fight, since it's not Ginny's fault he couldn't confide in her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I am sorry it's been so long. I know that probably no one is still keeping up with this, but I feel like I should finish it now that I have access to my draft again.  
> So um, Harry does a pretty good job of resolving this once he's calmed down, and he really does know Ginny very well. She trusts him a lot, and while this is not exactly a fluffy ending, it's a content one. I did promise, after all, that this would all work out.  
> Chapter title is a song from Spring Awakening, and while the imagery is similar to the way I imagine Harry's dream, the content is not. However, this is a reference to the dream.

Harry had seen Hermione’s subtle nod, and used their bickering to slip out of the room.  _ If I were Ginny, and I was feeling abandoned and hurt, where would I hide? Ron said she left but she’s craftier than he gives her credit for. I reckon she’s still here. _

He wandered towards the back of the house, not thinking about what he’d say when he found her. It didn’t matter. He couldn’t tell her anything but the truth at this point, no matter how that made his stomach turn. Finally, he wandered back to the smallest linen closet in the house. They both knew about it because Hermione had showed it to them to point out its uselessness, and then Harry had remarked that it was about the size of his cupboard in the Privet Drive house.

“Gin, I’m going to open the door now.”

He heard some snuffling, and then, “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

In answer, he opened the door and helped her out from the closet. She hugged him, burying her face in his chest. He tucked her head under his chin, and murmured, “You have to promise not to freak out.” She nodded into him, and held him tighter.

“I dream that I’m in the forest, yes, and dying, also yes, but... it’s a different person every time.”

She pulled back a bit, confusion written in her face. “A different person…?”

“Killing me.” Silence. “Always a person I love. And last night… it was you.” More silence, now with an air of shock.

“I’m sorry.” She was letting go of him. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have forced you.” She was backing away, leaving him to float, unanchored by her, or his friends, or anyone. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t be. Please. I’m better now.” And he stepped forward and held her face for a moment, looking for a nod, or a spoken consent, looking for an understanding between them. And when he got it, he kissed her, just enough that she knew he’d be okay, that he still needed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking to the end of this! It's over now, but constructive criticism would still be appreciated. Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Side note: it is very important to me that Harry waits for consent. He definitely suffered abuse at the hands of the Dursleys, and that has given him a very good understanding of the concept of consent. Not only that, Ginny suffered a year of emotional and physical abuse when she was eleven, and the idea of an older, powerful boy not asking for her consent would definitely end everything. this is not to say that she isn't powerful or capable of handling herself and putting Harry in his place when he needs to be taken down a peg. It's just to say that Harry himself recognized the similarities between himself and Riddle from the diary, and Ginny definitely would, and she's a strong enough person to recognize that if Harry doesn't respect her, he is not a person she needs in her life.  
> Also, I feel like, in many stories, girls get kissed to end an argument, because the guy in the relationship doesn't feel like making sure they're actually okay. I did not feel like this would be the case in this relationship, because these two have been through so much together and are just trying to find a way through this mess. They're going to be constantly checking that the other is all right, and that's what this is. He's assuring her that he is all right, and checking that she is too, hence the pause while he waits for consent.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at a long fic with an actual plot, so constructive criticism would of course be appreciated. Thanks for reading! I have the rest of this planned out and drafted, so I'll try to update every week but I make no promises as a busy high school student.


End file.
